The family and I don't go to see first-run movies at the theater much these days. Waiting for films to be released to the home market suits us just fine. And with a buck apiece at Redbox (plus the six cents the state government skims off the top)we are fine with renting things we might not consider at 10 bucks a ticket.

Christmas week was one long, super-sized "Family Night at the Movies." If Redbox ever installs face recognition software, the machine at the Walgreens a mile up the road will start spitting out our choices before the garage door is fully opened or the car engine even started at our house.

To end 2009 we have watched comedies and dramas and holiday films.
Some have major stars heading the casts. Others are small independent films.

Thus far we have been less than impressed. Though the independent films have been a bigger delight only because of lower expectations.

One A-list film we saw so bad that the TV almost ended up flying out the doorwall into the swimming pool.

But as it is winter here in "fly-over" country, the TV might have bounced off the iced-over pool and into my neighbors backyard. As ducks feed there, I didn't want to get in trouble with PETA for deadly assault on a duck with a wide screen Toshiba.

Where-oh-where are the great writers these days? Much of this stuff is either cliched or just plain absurd. Absurd can be good if it's done right. Absurd to be "edgy" never works.

These stories likely fell apart "on the page" before they ever went into production. Sorry folks, a lousy script won't make a great movie. And a great script still can be a lousy movie. So the odds are stacked against us in the audience right from the opening credits.

MEMO TO SCREENWRITERS:

To keep us enthralled, tell us an interesting story. Don't preach PC, Green, or any other kind of agenda. In fact do something challenging. If you insist on having an agenda in a film, make it one that is 180 degrees from what you personally believe. That will make you have to think.

Imagine if Al Gore had come up with "A Convenient Truth." OK that is fantasy on my part. Won't happen and the cinema screens are likely the better for it.

But would-be writers, before you fire up your word processor, know this: throwing the F-bomb into your script 25 times an hour does not make you creative or your story intriguing.

Actually only the laziest writers, who can't come up with a good line or a way to advance their story, use incessant cussing as a crutch.

To them I say "the heck with you."

Whoops sorry. Hope that language wasn't too strong.

Memo:

TO: All Comrades
FR: Jocularity Czar’s office of Holiday Preparedness
RE: Mandatory “Spread the Cheer Around” Initiative

Greetings of the Season,

In continuance of your government’s openness and transparency policy, this memo will be posted online for 72 hours. However should we decide there is something here that may be misinterpreted by anybody anywhere, this post will become history after 72 seconds. Thus it may be wise to dust off your Coke bottle bifocals and brush up on your Evelyn Wood reading skills.

HENCEFORTH AND FOREVER:

The traditional holiday season formerly known as “X-MAS” (and in less-enlightened households as “Christmas”) shall become “O-MAS.” The letter “X” has too many negative connotations and is associated with many shady characters, ie: the fictional, elusive and underhanded “Mr. X.”

On the other hand, the letter “O” is jolly, fun and friendly. It brings to mind the iconic 1970s smiley face logo. Warm memories are surely bountiful for many who wore their smiley face T-shirt while mixing up their very first Molotov Cocktail. What fun it was to bomb an administration building by dawn’s early light.

During this blessed season of O-mas, it must be remembered that to appear too cheerful could be offensive to the sourpusses amongst us. To level the playing field we shall now enforce a mandatory “spread the cheer around” program.

THEREFORE:

Any laughing, giggling, guffawing or smiling will be rationed when in the presence of the humor-deprived. While a quick chuckle of no more than 2.2 second can be allowed, hearty belly laughs are vehemently discouraged. Such laughter is elitist, not appropriate and will not be allowed. Until a proper laughter taxation policy can be implemented, such gratuitous giggles and grins are subject to fines and imprisonment.

As always, your government recognizes the problem and is hard at work on a solution. Soon Congress will pass the historic “Laugh and Trade” bill. This landmark legislation will allow the perpetually optimistic to purchase laugh credits for all future O-mas gatherings.

There is not yet a provision for taxation of telling jokes, spinning yarns or reciting humorous stories. Extensive government research has determined that these activities are the main cause of laughter and smiles, in fact the science has settled on that conclusion and requires no further debate. From this day forward the recitation of any kind of anecdote or pun that elicits laughter will be taxed via payroll deduction at the rate of 70 percent of take-home pay.

Ultimately it is the plan of your government to offer up to 100-billion dollars per year to the laughter-challenged persons and nations of the world. It is right and just to oblige the happiest countries to pay reparations to all sulking populaces of the planet.

Lest you think your government is suggesting you partake in a dour holiday season, please be reassured that you are wholeheartedly encouraged to have a joyous O-mas Season.

Just don’t be too obvious about it.